Cannonball Run

The following story is a re-print from my Dead Journal. The original post date was 7/10/2006. I have gone through the post to fix some grammatical errors, add some pictures, and other small edits, but the story remains unchanged and 100% true.
Lauren, James, and I (pictured above) went on a road-trip. I made a list of the fun things that occurred on our trip. This list allowed me to remember the situations I wanted to share with my friends. The following is the detailed retelling of the events on that list.

The trip started with James Scott Stover picking me up, and on our way down Crafton Blvd. to go get Lauren, James spotted a ball by the side of the road, but by the time he figured out that it was a ball and that we should have it, we were already past it. So we made a turn and drove around so we would have a second chance at getting the ball. We eventually made it back to the ball and I was able to get it and bring it into the car. It was a small black basketball. I named it the cannonball, because me and James were saying how we should throw it from the car at unsuspecting people and they would get hit by it like a cannonball. Since we now had a cannonball, we named the road trip:

Later on down the road, James got upset with me and punched me in the hand. Since he was wearing a large purple class ring, it broke the skin on my pinkie finger. Moments later I was bleeding from said pinkie finger. This was less than five minutes into the journey and already we had a cannonball and a possibly mortally wounded road tripper.

We picked up Lauren and made our way onto the highway towards Columbus, OH. While riding shotgun I happened to spot a very odd occurrence. There was a wheel... well more like a tire... this tire was rolling down the road sans vehicle (for those of you who don't speak French like Alexis Miller, sans is French for without). So this tire decided to leave his vehicle behind and head off onto the highway on his own. He did not make it far from the vehicle that stopped to get him back. He crossed the highway, we followed him for a little bit,but then the tire turned into the Man Meadow, and stopped there. For those of you who may not know, the Man Meadow is the flowery grassy meadow between the opposing lanes of traffic on the highway.

We made it into Ohio, and while we were driving down the highway, we saw on a road running parallel to our stretch of highway, a parade of tractors. This Tractor Parade had roughly between 1 and 87,000 tractors in it. If I had to guess I would say about 30 tractors in the parade. All different styles, colors, and brands.

We exited the highway to fill our bellies with some delicious Ohio cuisine, and at the end of the off ramp was one car stopped at an intersection, the light turned green and they started going as we pulled up behind them, but then suddenly they hit the brakes. We were able to stop just in time before hitting their rear bumper, and the "Crazy Lady" (I did not have an actual picture of this lady, so enjoy this representation, pictured right, I found when Googling "Crazy Lady") driving the vehicle got out of her car. We thought she was going to yell at us for almost hitting her, but instead she told us to "BACK WAY UP" she wanted to go in reverse so she could move in to the right lane and turn right. This intersection had absolutely nobody else in it besides us and her, but she would not just turn right from her lane she had to reverse and pull into the right lane to do it. She was clearly intoxicated and when we started to "Back way up!" other cars began to pull in behind us, so we had to stop "backing way up." She got in her car and tried to back up, but she was such an intoxicated Crazy Lady, she could not even properly operate her car. We proceeded to pull up on her right side and turn left around her while going through a yellow-turning-red light. That is how we escaped the Crazy Lady.

After escaping that Crazy Lady we made our way to our lunchtime destination of Sbarros/Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits. Now we did not partake in the Popeye's portion of the restaurant. We each had a slice of pizza along with a garlic bread stick. The two eateries shared a pop machine, but we had Sbarro cups and used them to hold our beverages, not Popeye's cups. Also, we all agreed that we did not like the font used for the pop machine. While I was getting ice, a woman stood next waiting her turn to use the machine, so I was done getting ice and started getting pink lemonade which was located right next to the ice. Well this woman who was waiting her turn started getting her ice, but she was also nudging my cup while it was filling with delicious pink lemonade. She kept nudging me, but I would not allow her to push me away from my pink lemonade. Eventually my cup was full of the yummy pink drink, so I removed my cup from under the dispenser and she instantly shoved her cup under it as if she need the sweet beverage in order to live. This was just a rude occurrence.

This building was not just a Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits and a Sbarros. It is also a Gas Station and a mini-mart. This mini-mart wasn't just a food store, it also had some sweet do-rags, Nascar toys, gloves, and all kind of other neat stuff. Most things were not under the proper labels in the store though, like the toy cars were listed under Office Supplies. The best deal located in the store however was the sweet leather vests for only $9.99. When we saw these we were laughing about the deal of a leather vest in a gas station mini-mart for only ten bucks. Jim then made a bet with me, he said he would pay for the vest, if I would wear it all day without taking it off. I immediately jumped on this deal. In hindsight I should have asked for something more than a leather vest I will probably never wear again, for winning the bet. If I took the vest off I would have to give Jim the $10.69 he paid for the vest, so even if he won the bet he would only break even. Another part of the bet was that I was not allowed to tell anyone that it was a bet. So everyone I saw I had to tell them I bought it for myself as an Ohio souvenir. I wore it to the science center and white castle. I even went out to the movies when I came home and had to wear it there too.

With my new sweet leather vest we got back in the car. While driving we some military style helicopters flying. Not much special about this, but James thought it should be on the list.

Next Jim decided he wanted to hear the song Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. I do not have that song on my iPod so James said that we should use his iPod to listen to it. Jim has an iPod Shuffle, which means there is no screen to see the songs you want to choose from. Jim promised he would be able to find it in less than 10 clicks. Well over 100 clicks later he still had not found it, but I heard the opening 3 seconds of 100 crappy songs. We did listen to some Kelly Clarkson music, and Christina Aguilera, these are songs on Jim's iPod. Eventually I told him to let me try clicking through the iPod shuffle. In less than 5 clicks I got to Hips Don't Lie. I didn't put up with his stupid country music bull, and went straight to that hip shaking Latina woman and her Davis-esque voice. The Davis-esque voice that James has said he thinks is sexy.

After listening to that beautiful gem of music we continued down the road. There was a car dealer ship or something that had a big parking lot, and in the big parking lot was a large inflatable purple ape. Jim told me to write it on the list, and me and Lauren said no. I said "I do not think Grape Ape deserves to be on the list." Jim said "It does now because you called it Grape Ape!" So I added it to the list to make that whiny baby happy.
We made it to COSI (pictured above), which is the name of the science center in Columbus. They had a big Star Wars, exhibit which is kind of the reason we went. Well we were waiting for the elevator and when it opened, a fat Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper were in there. They came out of the elevator and the Storm Trooper held out his fist and I pounded it. I was the only one he did a fist pound with, probably because I was the only one in the area with a sweet $10.69 leather vest.

One of the games in the science center was you had to give a partner instructions to build a structure out of blocks. Only you could not talk to them, you had to press buttons with instructions on them and the robot voice would tell the partner. Lauren used it and properly instructed me on how to build a small scale version of the Eiffel Tower (I didn't have an actual picture of our structure, but the picture to the left looks just like what we built). At least that is what the structure we built looked like to me. Well next it was my turn to use the robot voice to instruct Lauren on how to build a structure. Instead I just made the robot voice say funny things like "Yes, Yes, In, Out, Rotate." Me and James found it funny, Lauren quit playing after that.

In the Hall of Progress (which was like 2 different towns set up to look like they were from different time eras), there was one of those little rocket ships that you see like outside of a K-Mart or something. I climbed in it, and Lauren put a dime in the box. It shook for a pretty long time. I did not fit well in this tiny child sized rocket (pictured right), so passers-by laughed seeing a full sized good looking man wearing a leather vest riding in this itty bitty rocket.

The next exciting event on the list occurred while we were crossing a bridge while looking for Chipotle. Jim yelled out "look a Pirate Ship" I got so excited that what came out of my mouth was not an English word at all. The closest we could decipher what came out of my mouth to be was " Oh Schweeitt!" That's spelled S-C-H-W-E-E-I-T-T.We found a place to park the car so we could walk to the Pirate Ship. While walking through this beautiful park with a small fountain that me and Lauren walked in, James used the word "frolic" twice in less than ten minutes.

Next Jim would not shut up about the lions in the park. He kept yelling at me for not remembering our friend from DC was obsessed with lions. He then told me I should take a picture of a lion on my phone and send it to her. Jim also owns a phone with the ability to take a picture and send it to people. He also has our friend's phone number saved in his phone. He could have done it just as easy as I could, but he didn't, instead he yelled at me for not doing it. He does things like these because he is a major butt head, and doesn't even realize it.
Next we made it to the Pirate Ship (pictured above). However, once we got there we found out it wasn't a pirate ship at all. It was the world's greatest replica of the Santa Maria. We realized that we should have figured that out earlier. We were in COLUMBUS. The boat replicates the glorious vessel known as the Santa Maria which set sail in 1492 from Europe to what became known as "The New World"

After pulling away from our parking spot we began to look for South Wall Street because that is the turn we had to make to get to Chipotle. Well we drove around for a good 10-20 minutes, we had a few stops, one where Jim said the exact same directions I did then told me I was saying was the wrong thing. Eventually after we improvised our own directions we found out Chipotle was on the exact same street we parked on when we went to go see the Santa Maria. That made us kinda distraught. So we didn't go to Chipotle.

INSTEAD, WE WENT TO WHITE CASTLE! Yes, we enjoyed some delicious White Castle food for our dinner. I had a bacon double cheeseburger, a jalapeno cheeseburger, two regular cheeseburgers, an order of crinkle cut french fries, and medium red cream soda (pictured left).

James ordered a double bacon cheeseburger, a jalapeno cheeseburger, a regular cheeseburger, and a chocolate shake. He made fun of me for ordering so much food, it was only one more burger and an order of fries more than him. He helped himself to a number of my fries, and then said afterward that he was still hungry. Lauren did not like the way our food looked when we got it, so she ordered mozzarella sticks and a diet coke. She later realized she should enjoy some more White Castle so she went back up for a vanilla milkshake.

After we left White Castle we were back in the car and continued on our way home. Well Jim upset me at one point and I stabbed him with a pen. He was mad about it.

Later on down the road we witnessed a car that had elephantitus of the wheels (pictured left). Not like big monster truck wheels, but extra wide wheels. I'm not talking just a little wide, these were really really wide wheels, like when you look at the car from behind the wheels almost go all the way across. It was weird.

I called Jenny (pictured right) to read her the list and ask her about seeing Pirates of the Caribbean. She did not answer, so I started leaving her a voice mail of the list. I ran out of time, so I called back and started over from the beginning because I wanted her to hear the whole list. Once again I ran out of time. So I called her a third time, to read her voice mail the entire list, this time however she answered the phone. I then read her the entire list and when I was going to ask her about the movie the call was lost, so we never got to the real reason why I called her.

Next I was on the phone with Alexis, and Lauren yelled. She then told us the reason she yelled was because she saw a bush that looked like a dinosaur. I wish I could have seen the shrub, because dinosaurs are awesome.I was still on the phone with Alexis (pictured above). I read her the list. She enjoyed the list more than anyone else did. Including everyone I had read it to after her. She actually seemed to be paying attention to the whole thing.

The final stop we made on our road trip was to Cabela's. While in the parking lot Lauren accidentally dropped all kinds of stuff out of her purse, twice. She had to get off the phone because of this. This store is like a freaking dead animal museum mixed with a hunting/fishing/camping store. Jim claimed he was gonna buy a gun. Then claimed he wasn;t gonna buy a gun. Then claimed he might buy a gun. We saw a wiener converter. It gave girls a wiener type appendage so they could pee into a bottle. Lauren yelled at us for saying wiener so much. We went to the pretend shooting range, and James won, I came in second and Lauren came in third. She actually played twice and if you added her two scores together she still came in third. Lauren purchased a coozie that looks like a bear. She named it Boozie. I bought a postcard to send to Stick Stickly.

Well I guess that wasn't our final stop because we stopped for gas up the road a little bit. Jim wanted us to go to the store where he bought his cowboy boots. Lauren and I strongly disagreed. After that we made our way home.

p.s. I won the vest bet.